Losing Her
by hundan
Summary: Tony struggles with losing the most dearest person to his heart. Ziva.


**Ok so this was a random one-shot I found hidden on my computer which I hadn't posted and I wanted to post it. It's a little bit darker than what I normally do but I came up with the idea and wrote it a while ago.

* * *

**

It was the middle of winter and there Anthony DiNozzo sat, in the middle of a park on a bench in the freezing cold air of the dark afternoon. The sun was still up but that wasn't what made this a dark afternoon for Tony, what made it a dark afternoon was the fact his partner had died two months ago it was a dark afternoon everyday since then. She had been shot, right through the chest saving none other than himself; he blamed it all on him.

He came here most days, either here or a bar to drink his sorrows away. He brought the cigarette that was burning away in his fingers back up to his mouth and inhaled a deep long puff from the little solider stick of death. He didn't care about his already weak lungs, he just didn't care anymore. He hadn't cared when some random at the bar had offered him his first cigarette, and he had taken it because he just didn't care. Now he was addicted to the little basted things.

Not just addicted to the nicotine that laced through the thin paper, addicted to the way it calmed him and killed his body that little bit more. He was nothing without her and he hated what he had become, he drank way too much than he should, he smoked to much and he would even occasionally get into a drunken fight with someone just because he didn't care about anything anymore now that she was gone.

She had died in his arms that day; her last words were reminding him that she loved him. He had cried endlessly and then he had broken out in a fit of rage, he had punched every hard object he could, furiously trying to hurt himself for what he had done. Gibbs had tried to stop him but Tony had yelled at Gibbs, screaming his lungs out that it wasn't fair and it should have been him and not her. Gibbs had never seen Tony so wild and raging with anger.

Tony hadn't been the same since she passed away. He would never be the same without her and her memories hunted him each day. He remembered the first time they had confessed their love to each other. He was having a hard time handling his father's death and he went to her apartment one night, she had opened the door and could tell he was upset and she let him in.

As soon as she did he had had stood there and looked at her. Then he had said it, he told her he couldn't live with not telling her anymore, said he didn't want to loose someone else he loved before he had told them how much they meant to him. She had embraced him in a hug, he had whispered the three words 'I love you' into her ear, and she had whispered them right back.

Taking another puff from his cigarette and letting it flow right into his lungs, he then exhaled it back out his nose and mouth as he thought about the first time they had sex. She had pushed him to his limits that night, and he had always expected her to be good at sex, but she was magnificent. The way she could move was beyond what he had experienced before and to his surprise she actually let him be on top, telling him she trusted him, and she had never let anyone be on top before because she had never trusted her past sexual partners like she did him.

The memories of her are what were killing him slowly. All day and night, in his sleep and at work he thought about her, she was always on his mind and he couldn't think about much else. He managed to focus at work as much as he could. But he wasn't the DiNozzo everyone knew so well anymore, no jokes, no pranks, no anything, he was always on task or just sitting there thinking about her, he would hardly gossip to McGee anymore he would just talk when it was relevant or serious.

Tony would stare at her desk constantly when he became unfocused; it would bring way too many happy memories for him that it wasn't healthy. Then Gibbs had replaced Ziva with a new female. The new female that sat at _her _desk thinking she owned it (which she did but he couldn't accept that, it was still _her_ desk), she sat there and not knowing what had happened tried to flirt with him once and he had absolutely lost it. He had yelled at her and smashed his lamp off his desk, it had reminded him of what Ziva had done when they had first met and it really upset him. She had gone off crying and Gibbs had slapped him so hard around the head it left a bruise. He had deserved it though; he shouldn't have taken his anger out on her.

So now he try's to lose his mind by drinking and smoking as much as he could, blurring his mind as much as he could, but he would still think about her no matter how hard he tried. His hand shook around the small burning stick between his two fingers, it was cold out and he wasn't wearing a jacket, but of course he didn't care too much about how cold his body was telling him it was. No he just lifted his hand and inhaled again from the little stick.

He didn't know if he could go on like this, without her. He was digging himself into a deep depression over her and he didn't know what he would end up doing just to leave all this hate, regret and sorrow he had because she was taken from him and he believed it was his entire fault. He knew he would end up doing something stupid. Everyone in the team was already upset about him and the state he was in, Abby was really upset when she had found out he had been smoking and drinking obsessively.

Gibbs had talked to him a lot, and he had talked back telling Gibbs everything, all his regrets and troubles. Mainly everything he talked about was her, but Gibbs would sit there and listen, supporting him, trying to help him escape the dark corner of a bar at night. Gibbs was worried about his ability to work in the right mind but he let him be, as long as he was still doing his job and following orders Gibbs would be ok with that.

Tony was taking another puff from his cigarette when he felt and warm hand clasp onto his shoulder.

"You know they aren't good for your already battered lungs Tony" the familiar voice said as he walked around the bench and sat down next to him.

"I know Tim" Tony said as he breathed out the vile smoke after it ventilated through his lungs.

"You cold Tony?" Tim asked as he looked down at Tony just in a suit jacket when Tim was in a big winter coat and he could still feel the cold air nip at him, he knew Tony would be freezing.

"Na I'm good Tim" Tony replied. Tim knew he was lying, but Tim also knew his friend didn't care much about himself since Ziva had passed. Tony had regularly come into work with a black eye or beat up face after a bar fight, or he would come in looking as though he hadn't had a wink of sleep the night before.

"Tony you know it's not good for you to be doing this, she wouldn't want you to be like this, she would want you to move on and stay strong" Tim explained as Tony took another breath of smoke.

"It was my fault Tim, if I had just been that much quicker and seen the guy she would still be here" Tony said, his eyes going watery, but he wouldn't cry, he had cried so much he just couldn't anymore.

"Tony it's not your fault, some things are just inevitable" Tim said and Tony's mind flashed to the memory of himself and Ziva in Ducky's autopsy lab.

"_It was inevitable" he had said and she had looked up at him with something he could place in her eyes. _

"_Nothing is inevitable" she had replied. _

"Nothing is inevitable Tim" Tony replied using her words.

"Tony you have to stop beating yourself up about this, you need to move on. I know how much you loved Ziva but she would want the best for you" Tim tried and he put a reassuring hand on Tony's shoulder.

"I can't move on Tim, I just can't" he whispered as he dropped the cigarette bud to the ground and crushed it with his shoe. Tim sighed as Tony stood up.

"Thanks though Tim, I know you are just trying to help, you are a good friend" Tony said and gave Tim a light pat to his shoulder before Tony walked off through the park.

The next few weeks it seemed to everyone that Tony was getting better, yeah he still smoked and drunk way too much but it seemed as though he was rising out of his depression. But then they were all proven wrong. Tony really couldn't live without her anymore, she is what kept him in balance, kept him sane and now that she was gone he couldn't hold on. He loved her too much to be without her.

One Monday they had been on a case and they had found themselves in a shoot out at a hostage situation. Tony acted without care for his life and he had made a distraction. The distraction had worked as they had rescued the hostage in the end, but Tony paid with for it with his life. And Gibbs saw how he went peacefully without a fight. And he had also gone as a hero, just like she had.

In his report Gibbs had said it was a noble and heroic action that Tony took to save the hostage, which was certainly true, if Tony hadn't of done what he did they might not have saved the guy. But deep down inside of him Gibbs knew Tony couldn't hold out anymore and it was his way out, he had given up because he had lost Ziva, he had lost the one person he truly loved and he just couldn't live without her.

* * *

**Hope it wasn't too dark or anything, I just had a moment a while ago with the feeling of Tony becoming all like this :)**

**I would love to know what you thought of it? **

**Hundan**


End file.
